-Good evening. -Hello.
Thank you.
-Good evening. -Hello.
"...and rattle your teeth."
Hi.
Hi there.
-I'll give you a hand. -We can carry it.
We're almost there.
-Thanks. -Thanks.
"Scary?" "No."
-Good evening. -Good evening.
"I know some threats that will make even you tremble."
Good evening.
-Good evening. -Good evening.
Good evening.
Hi.
Hello.
-Good evening. -Hi.
Hi.
Good evening. I hope it's a great show.
"THE SHIBUYA ALL-STAR FESTIVAL" Doors 18:30, Starts 19:00
19:35 - Sparks, 19:39 - Ahondara, 19:43 - The Curl, 19:47 - Shikatani
How may I help you?
How may I help you?!
Good evening!
So, we're together tonight.
Yep.
You, me, and everyone else here tonight are stars.
Good evening.
-Got any spare cash? -Not really...
-You don't? -Don't ask her for a loan.
-You're a big brother! -Please!
Why do you need two tickets? No way!
Your dad's here? You didn't tell me!
We're all stars.
Just make up an excuse.
What do you think about the "audience vote" system?
I think it's valid, apart from votes from family members.
But doesn't that give an advantage to duos who bring more people?
The popular duos may have fans, but everyone starts out as a nobody.
If you turn strangers into fans, you'll be popular.
You're right.
Let's say you're a fan of a certain duo.
If they have a bad day, and you vote honestly,
your favorite duo may get demoted. What happens next?
You might never see them again.
But I still think we deserve a fair evaluation of each act--
You're not talking like a star.
Don't complain about who votes for who.
Make them vote for you. That's talent.
Watch. You'll see.
Ohbayashi.
I'm changing the act.
You're changing it?
I'll say some funny stuff. All you have to do is react normally.
Why change it?
God spoke to me.
I'm gonna kill you.
What's the problem? You can do it.
Again?
Gimme a break.
Mr. Tokunaga?
I really like you. My name is Shikatani.
What?
I'm Shikatani.
Okay.
You should join the Shikatani Army as chief strategist.
Let's conquer the world.
What?
I'll let you think about it.
What was that?
Join 'em.
Join the Shikatani Army?
-You'll be chief strategist. -Are you serious?
That was scary.
HIBANA - Spark -
What's with that face? Her dad's not gonna laugh.
His face is totally laughless. He's a crocodile.
Think of them as two extra votes.
His eyes are like a crocodile about to feast.
A crocodile...
THE SHIBUYA ALL-STAR FESTIVAL
-Hello! -Hello!
Welcome to The Shibuya All-Star Festival.
We're your hosts, Bach 3000. Please enjoy the show!
It's started.
It's on.
Got any spare cash?
-Just a bit. -You know I'm in a tight spot.
Don't ask big brothers for money.
-Until payday. -Thanks.
-...enjoy five acts in a row! -Go for it!
-Hello! -Hello!
We are Cheery Shower. Please enjoy the show.
-Applause please! -Thank you!
-What an audience! -I need your advice.
I have a problem telling people off when they do something wrong.
What kind of man are you?
What'll happen if you have a kid?
-It'll become a teeny-weeny dump-bump. -What?!
-"Teeny-weeny dump-bump"? -I know how to discipline.
We have a big mouth.
You're too far away. Come here.
You're in the lion's cage!
Ouch!
-How did that feel? -I'm no wildlife expert!
-Bad answer! -Why?!
-Watch and learn. -Look at my T-shirt.
-This is how you do it. -Don't strip it off.
Come on, lion!
Obuchi?
Hey! Are you listening?
Obuchi?!
He's gone!
Why?! Where'd he go?!
What is this? What's happened?
He's there!
Let's learn Zimbabwean.
Be careful with the pronunciation at the end.
"There's an egg on my heel."
If you need a new lightbulb, would you say this?
"My fluorescent light is winking at me."
-Would you say that? -No.
You'd say, "Shit. The light's dead."
-That's how we speak. -You're right.
It pisses me off how guys are deceived by girls that speak like that.
-Feel better? -Not at all.
-I've had enough. Thank you. -Thank you.
That's the end of the first half.
-"There's an egg on my heel." -That's not very useful.
-That's all the Zimbabwean I need to know. -I doubt you'll ever use it.
Let's get on with the show.
We have five more acts coming your way!
First up is Sparks!
Followed by Ahondara!
-Does that spell work on father-in-laws? -Don't remind me.
-You're scaring me. -You want a lick?
No.
Try it.
-Lick it. -No way!
You sure? You won't regret it.
Enough already.
-Hello! -Hello!
We're Sparks. Please enjoy the show.
-He stood on the wrong side. -Don't tell everyone.
-Is this really happening? -I'm in top form.
-Top form? -Top form.
Please enjoy the show.
Another round of applause. Thank you.
-Debates are fun. -Yeah.
There are certain topics that everyone's had a fun debate about.
-Like what? -For example:
-"What to take to a deserted island." -That's a fun one.
-"What to eat for your very last meal." -Japanese food or Western food, right?
Another one is how to make the following threat scarier:
"I'll stick my fingers up your ass and rattle your teeth."
And when you have a cigar...
Forget about the cigar.
We have a problem with the third example.
"I'll stick my fingers up your ass and rattle your teeth"?
Nobody's ever debated how to make that threat scarier!
None of us. Just you.
Nobody has.
-You haven't? -No.
-You haven't? -Of course they haven't.
-I didn't expect this reaction. -What did you expect?!
-Okay, perfect. Let's think about it now. -What?
"I'll stick my fingers up your ass and rattle your teeth."
-Is that threat even scary? -I guess so. If someone said that to me.
Hey, asshole!
I'll stick my fingers up your ass and rattle your teeth!
It's not that scary.
-It's not. -I'm a grown-up.
But I know some threats that will make even you tremble.
You'll make me tremble? I doubt it.
-Wanna hear one? -If you know one.
-Hey, asshole! -What, asshole?
-Asshole! -What?
I'm gonna stick my fingers so far up your ass, I'll tremble!
You will tremble?
You're gonna tremble?
You'll stick your fingers in me, and you'll tremble?
That's not a threat.
-I'm focusing on your ass too much. -What are you talking about?
-Can I forget about asses? -Yes. You're a grown-up.
Can I try a threat that comes from deep down inside of me?
If it's scary, sure.
Here goes.
Hey!
Don't point at the audience.
-I'm talking to you. -I'm sorry, sir.
I wanna go bowling with you.
When you throw, I'll diss you so much,
you'll be gutted!
Do you mean "gutted" or "guttered"? One means "devastated" and the other--
-Why are you talking? -They can talk if they want.
-I can hear you! -Really? You have good ears.
Stop it.
I'll turn up your heater and give you dry skin!
Are you every girl's worst nightmare? She uses a moisturizer.
-And what's with you?! -Leave the sound engineer alone.
-You hear me? -He hears you the most!
He's the sound guy!
-Damn you. -What's wrong with you?!
Stop it.
I'll take you to a doctor fish spa and have your dead skin eaten!
Take her! She's the one with dry skin!
Take her.
What?
Wanna go where space and time bend, and the concept of life no longer exists?
Stop it! That's scary! She'll never come again!
Stop beckoning her.
If she agreed to come, she'd be the scary one.
"I'd love to go"? That'd be scary!
What?
"I'm gonna fill our pockets with dreams and take us to the top."
"Stay tuned." How lame!
That's not even a threat. What's with you?
Your threats suck. This is how you make a threat:
I'll slap me, you... Oops.
What?!
-I mean... -What?!
I'll slap you with the back of my hand and say, "I've had enough!"
You stuffed up the last line?! I'll "gutter" you later. I've had enough.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
-You stuffed up the last line?! -Sorry.
-And it was too fast! -I'm sorry.
Hello!
-Hi. We're Ahondara. Enjoy the show. -Howdy.
I know you stole money from my wallet.
-No, I didn't. What's this? -You sound nervous. So you are guilty.
I'm not nervous at all.
-You did it? -No, I didn't. Cut it out.
-Really? -What?
Then from now on, I want you to answer every question I ask with the word, "No."
Like a lie detector? Gimme a break.
-Answer every question with the word "No." -Fine. Hurry up and ask!
-Do you have financial problems? -"No."
What's with the face?
Do you drool when you see the guy on the 10,000 yen note?
"No."
Is stealing just like breathing?
"No." Your questions piss me off.
-I'm seeing things clearer now. -How did those questions help?
Now I want you to respond to each statement with "No way."
Whatever. Spit it out.
-It was once inhabited by Vikings. -"No way."
-It has a long, rich history of skiing. -"No way."
-Its fjords are extremely beautiful. -"No way."
You mean "Norway"!
Not "No way." Vikings, skis and fjords?
Don't wave at the audience. Are you some kind of politician?
-I told you to say, "Norway." -Why? I still don't get it.
Next, I want you to respond to each statement with a "Yahoooo!"
Why? That's embarrassing.
My friend's sick in hospital.
Today is my grandpa's funeral.
Look! A puppy got run over!
-You're cruel. -You made me say it!
It's your fault!
Wow.
Now I want you to respond with this sound:
Got it?
What's with that? That's really embarrassing.
-Okay? -What is this? I don't get it.
What's it like in a 42°C bath?
What's it like in a 15°C bath?
What's it like in a 14°C bath?
What's it like in a -1°C bath?
Why make me do this?!
How embarrassing. I don't want to make that sound.
-Next up-- -There's more?!
Respond with "Papapappepo."
What?
Respond with "Papapappepo."
It's not even Japanese.
Do you have financial problems?
"Papapappepo."
Your home planet is?
"Papapappepo."
Morastinperogatta?
"Papapappepo!"
-What did you say? -What did you say?! Cut it out!
What is this?!
Why make me say that in front of all these people?
-It had nothing to do with your money. -Actually, it made everything clear.
You...
didn't do it.
I'm off the hook!
I've had enough. Thank you.
You bought a Zippo?
Hello!
I MAKE EVERYTHING COOL
Hello. I'm Shikatani. Please enjoy the show.
Thank you.
You're such a warm crowd.
Today I'm going to show you how I make things cool.
Eyes this way, please. The first is:
"¥600 per hour." That's an uncool job.
It's less than the minimum wage. Very uncool.
I'll make it cooler.
"Donate the income from a ¥600/hour job to unfortunate children!"
That's cool!
This is really cool.
It's like they're poor, but they help out, like Mother Teresa, right?
It's really cool.
Next up:
Hang on.
It's stuck to the next page.
Who would've thought this would happen? Just a moment.
This is... Okay.
"Snoring." It's uncool, right?
You didn't see the next one.
Ready for "Snoring"?
"Snore like Beckham."
If you snored with a mini mohawk, that'd be cool.
This is cool. Next is:
"Zucchini."
Most people think zucchinis are funny vegetables.
But I'll make them cool. Here goes.
What is it?
First batter:
Fielding right, Ichiro.
Second batter:
Fielding left, Taguchi.
Third batter:
Fielding center, Matsui.
Fourth batter:
I can't peel it off. Sorry.
This is the punchline.
Why won't it come off?
The glue is too strong.
Just a moment, please.
It says, "Fourth batter: Fielding third, Zucchini."
Why can't I peel it off?
This is wrong!
Who did that?!
Who the heck did that?!
Please don't look!
Why can't I peel it off?
I spent two hours making this!
My little sister helped me!
My sister helped, but I did all the glue.
It's all my fault!
Damn!
Thank you!
And the winner is...
Shikatani!
Congratulations!
Congratulations, Shikatani!
Why me?!
Why do I win?!
You got the most laughs. Congratulations!
This is wrong!
Why do I win?!
They all voted for you.
That wasn't comedy!
But you're the winner.
When I go backstage, the others will hate me!
See?
I told you to watch, right?
Sorry?
The god of comedy doesn't care how perfect your act is.
That wasn't what comedy is about!
Why complain? Everyone was laughing.
You're right.
And your little sister's here.
-Here she is. -Really?
She's my doppelgänger!
My legs were aching yesterday.
I was so tired. It was the first time in ages.
-More meat? -Go for it.
We're on our way. Bye.
What are you doing?
-Hurry up. -I can't climb any further.
Come on. Give it to me.
Pull yourself together. You guys were the funniest.
Don't lie. We came in sixth. How can sixth be the funniest?
Forget about the ranking!
You know what? The audience was full of idiots.
-Let's eat something nice. -I couldn't eat a thing.
Dad's waiting for us.
He'll say, "You dine well for someone that came in sixth."
Anyone who saw the show would say that.
Enough already. You're gonna have a nice meal.
-Thanks, Toku-chan. -Take care.
-You coming? -Why would I go?
Thanks.
I don't have the face to show your father.
Just put on your "I ranked sixth" face.
CALL US NOW FOR RELIABLE LEGAL ADVICE
HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
-Cheers! -Congratulations!
YOU'VE GOT MAIL FROM: TOKUNAGA
TITLE: THANK YOU
THE FIRST THING YOU SAID TO ME TODAY WAS, "HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"
I APPRECIATE THAT WAS YOUR UNIQUE WAY OF MAKING A JOKE.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR REPLYING SO NORMALLY.
CHANTING SUTRAS TO PACHELBEL'S CANON
IF YOU REALLY FELT SORRY,
IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICER TO LET ME FORGET HOW I BOMBED.
I COULD LIVE WITH MYSELF, CONVINCED YOU SIMPLY HADN'T HEARD.
A THREE-TATAMI MAT ROOM JAM-PACKED WITH MESSIAHS
Shikatani...
TO BE HONEST, I CHANGED OUR ROUTINE TO IMPRESS YOU.
BUT WE DIDN'T WIN, SO IT WAS POINTLESS.
WE'LL WIN NEXT TIME.
A BODYSLAM FROM MOTHER TERESA
AHONDARA WAS FUNNY.
A SEWER THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS GIRLFRIEND
I WAS WONDERING IF ONE OF THE GREATEST PEOPLE IN HISTORY WOULD END UP 4TH.
WELL, I SHOULDN'T BE ASKING YOU, SINCE YOU FINISHED 10TH AND ALL.
EDISON INVENTED DARKNESS
SIXTH. WE CAME IN SIXTH.
EDISON ACTUALLY INVENTED DARK BASEMENTS
I'll put on some treatment and you'll be done.
What do you think?
What should I say?
-Does your scalp still hurt? -It's better now.
I always wanted to give someone silver hair.
It set in well.
Hang on. Don't move.
That's it. Okay!
I'm sorry. You don't like it?
No... It's great.
Thanks.
Tokunaga...
Your smile is creepy.
What's with that?
Done!
You were great.
I knew this bit wouldn't dye properly.
How disappointing!
SURROUNDED BY ENEMIES
Hello.
Hello, Mr. Ogata.
I've come about some expenses...
Tokunaga...
Sorry, it's...
That's...
It's just what we've been waiting for!
This business isn't about talent anymore.
A persona. That's what you need.
It's all about persona.
You like this?
It's good?
This is what's hot?
Maybe not "hot"...
This way.
"The Artistic Comedian."
I think it'll work.
It's good. Really good.
He's coming.
-He's on a roll. -He sure is.
It finally hit him.
You think so?
You're bored already?
About the expenses...
THE ARTISTIC COMEDIAN
Hello.
Thanks, as always.
So, let's go.
-Thanks. -Come again soon.
Thanks for the meal.
It was nothing.
Maki paid for it.
-Thanks for this, too. -It's nothing.
Maki's paying for it.
That takes the fun out of it.
Ready? Go!
Okay!
One more!
Okay!
Concentrate!
Keep your eyes on the ball.
Ready?
Watch the ball.
Yours is faster.
-This is gonna hurt if it hits. -I keep missing.
It's all about concentration. Watch the ball.
Concentrate, okay? Concentrate.
Where's your waist?
Okay.
It got me!
That's better.
Concentrate!
The ball's coming. Concentrate.
That was way off.
It's too high. I can't reach.
-Give it a boner. -A boner sounds scary.
You'll be out at first.
You wanna be a regular?
You wanna win?!
Gonna be on the team?!
Way to go!
I've got some change.
I don't need any.
Counting your coins won't make them increase.
If I let you pay 10 yen here,
it'll be like we've always split the bill.
I'd actually like a bottle of tea, which means you need another 40 yen...
You've got a mean streak. Fine.
I'm pushing it.
So?
Sorry?
-What's with that hair? -You finally made a comment.
-You still hung up about ranking 10th? -We were 6th!
Well, you see...
My hairdresser friend asked me a favor.
You think it's too much?
It might look like you're being original.
But if somebody else out there looks the same,
then it's not originality. It's just an imitation.
Are there other people who look like this?
If every up-and-coming hairdresser needs practice with silver dye, yeah.
That's a possibility.
The thing is...
when people make rules about how they should look and act,
they end up impersonating themselves.
That's why I disagree with the idea of creating a persona.
I don't really have any rules, but...
For example...
I like corduroy pants.
But there's one type I don't like: Beige corduroy pants.
Why?
Corduroy pants have vertical lines, right?
But beige is an expansive color. I think those concepts clash.
In my opinion, when guys wear beige corduroy pants,
it means they want to wear corduroy pants, but they're completely messed up.
Stop being so fussy.
Your monologue started off smoothly,
but it had nothing to do with my story.
About what I was just saying...
-What? -About beige corduroy pants...
-There's another reason I hate them. -There is?
When I was in junior high, our Classic Literature teacher wore corduroy pants.
Everyone made fun of him. His pants weren't cool.
That makes sense.
Statistics say that most students make fun of their Classic Literature teacher.
They do.
The thing is...
As far as I was concerned,
there wasn't anything uncool about those corduroy pants.
So I went to a used-clothing shop and bought my own navy corduroy pants.
After that, I wore them all the time.
But then in senior high, second-hand Levi's became popular.
Everyone stopped making fun of me,
and they started to wear corduroy pants themselves.
To make it worse,
they all wore beige corduroy pants.
It all felt so wrong.
Imagine a punk, with a Mohican, wearing a jacket made of cotton.
-That's how wrong it felt-- -Why don't you hit the ball?
I felt so pathetic.
But to be honest,
when you think about beige corduroy pants, as far as beige corduroy pants go, they--
I've had enough!
I've had enough of your beige corduroy pants.
You enjoyed saying the phrase "beige corduroy pants" more than anything.
Sorry.
Let's go to my place. Maki should be home soon.
Watch out!
Keep your eyes on the ball.
It's dangerous.
It's too fast. I can't hit any of them.
It's harder than it looks.
Why didn't we swing our bats the first round?
It's dangerous to talk too much.
The Drum-Drum Man.
-The Bright-Red-Hat Man. -The Bright-Red-Hat Man.
-Dragon, wake up! With all this drumming! -Dragon, wake up! With all this drumming!
-The Drum-Drum Man. -The Drum-Drum Man.
-Sorry, boys. -Watch out, old man!
-You should switch your light on. -Leave him alone.
Old man! Your light!
The Light-Light Man.
The Little-Bit-Bald Old Man.
Switch your light on. Hurry up, switch it on!
Today's cold.
-Welcome home. -I'm back.
-Excuse me. -Welcome.
Wow, Tokunaga! I didn't recognize you!
-Sorry. -Why? It really suits you.
-It's been a while. How have you been? -Good, thanks.
When comedians start to worry,
they tend to become skinheads, or dye their hair.
Isn't this your seat?
Sit down.
-Sorry, we always have hot pot. -I'm sorry for the sudden intrusion.
Can I give you a hand?
No, after all, you're...
You know.
My job is to eat.
-Need a hand? -Thanks.
Okay.
Can you handle this?
-I'll do it. -You're, you know...
My job is to eat.
What's that look for?
What is this?
I wonder...
What is it?
I need to take a leak.
-I need to go. -Why don't you?
No...
I need to go.
I get it. If you go now, you lose.
I'm gone.
You are going?
What's wrong?
Mr. Kamiya.
-I didn't... -You know what?
I worked at a cafe back in Osaka.
We had to wear a black apron with the cafe's name on it.
As for pants, we could wear anything, as long as it was beige.
I'm sorry.
No need to apologize.
That's all it was.
I just needed beige pants.
I've got a few that aren't corduroy.
I see.
But...
Looking at beige corduroy pants now, after all these years,
I think they are cool.
Enough already.
Dinner's ready. Let's eat.
Yep, they are cool.
They're yours.
Thank you.
It's time for The Great Laugh Typhoon Z.
-I'm your host, Kaneko. -I'm Goro!
-And she is: -Your announcer, Shiho Yaso.
-Please enjoy the show. -Enjoy it!
Tonight is our Christmas special.
Stay tuned for the next three hours.
Three whole hours?
Tonight we also have the freshest young comedians.
What shall we do with the soup? Do you want to add rice or noodles?
Onimanma.
Onimanma it is.
Can I have your bowl?
Thank you.
There you go. Delicious onimanma.
Thank you.
Well...
All onimanma tastes the same.
Here's your onimanma.
Like it?
This onimanma is good.
It sure is. Onimanma.
Here comes my onimanma.
Nothing beats onimanma.
I love onimanma.
Onimanma tastes better with ponzu sauce.
This is good onimanma.
You're right. Ponzu and onimanma.
Onimanma? Is that what this is called?
Say "onimanma" ten times.
Onimanma...
There's no punchline?